Tonight, I’m letting it out. The unsure feelings suddenly became clear and I knew what was actually happening. I’ve always been considering the what ifs. Yeah, because I don’t want to judge my friends. Because I love them. And you don’t judge people you love. You shouldn’t judge anyone. But sometimes, or most of the time we ignore our instincts. We tend to doubt our judgement which is sometimes obviously true.

Having trouble with friendship or having a failed friendship is one of the biggest problems I can face. I’m a teen. It’s normal. And it’s so hard to go through.

Our english teacher made us read essays which helped me in the process of realizing some things. Whistle by Benjamin Franklin and The Decay of Friendship by Samuel Johnson. Look it up.
In the essay Whistle, it talked about “paying too much for the whistle” which means giving too much for something not worth it. When does it become unworthy? I think it becomes unworthy when you give something valuable like your time, or presence and then you don’t get anything back. Not even happiness or appreciation.
In the essay The Decay of Friendship, it talked about the causes of decay of friendship. There are innumerable causes but Samuel Johnson told about 5 causes which I can really relate to; long absence, not met expectations, opposition of interests, suspicion, and gradual decay of friendship.

I have talked about my problem to some of my closest friends. Friends who are truly there for me. Friends who I didn’t doubt. One friend of mine actually related to my situation as she was also experiencing the same problem. Yay I’m not alone.

Have you ever gave so much effort for a friend and it all went to waste? Like traveling really far just to see a friend and the meeting didn’t happen or the meeting didn’t turn out well, like it was boring or something.
Have you ever felt confused if what she’s saying is really true because words are so convincing but where’s the action? Where is the actual thing you wanna see?
Have you ever realized that you’re paying too much for the whistle? You feel ridiculous and you feel tired. Tired of trying and figuring it out.
Because I have. I have done it, felt it, realized it. Okay maybe I just think it is but it really isn’t. I don’t care anymore. I just let it be. Leave it be. Because just thinking that it’s there and believing it’s there is not enough. If you don’t feel it and if you feel alone, I think it’s just right to be sad and all dramatic about it.

I hope I get through this shit.
Someone save me

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